Hi! And yes, I’m back again. I was the one who wrote “Loving Myself More – A Personal Story,” and now I’m here to talk about my mental health, moving on from my broken marriage of 22 years (whew! What a long and stressful life that was for me) and loving myself.
Let’s pick up where we left off from the other blog. Even if you haven’t read the first one, I will make sure that you can understand where the content of this personal story article is going.
According to Bruce Derman, a clinical psychologist, “Most couples who begin a divorce are unprepared and are often not even on the same page when they begin.” But not me. I was ready.
And so, he asked for a divorce. I thought he was going to do it himself, but it’s been three months and not a word of separation from him. In fact, he is trying to win me back! Yes, you read that right. The monkey wants to rekindle our 22 years of marriage by attempting to court me (yet again) saying that he won’t file for a divorce.
I realized that he is sick in the head. He says he wanted a divorce and then now, he doesn’t. What’s up with you, boy? Can you not decide what it is that you want to do with your life? Be with a real woman like me or settle for a $20-dollar whore? Ok, I surrender. I am not going to call your whore, whore. Oops, I did it again. I won’t call her names. I will call her by her real name which is Jhoy. Perhaps I’m just angry. As Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. said, “Therapists frequently invite those who have been betrayed by their partner to freely let out their anger toward the guilty party. And unquestionably, such an emotional release is ethically warranted.”
He is still with Jhoy, I know it. And frankly, I don’t care. I have had enough. The first month when I discovered his affair, I thought I was okay. My mental health suffered severely, and I was diagnosed with clinical depression and panic anxiety.
I still have those down days, but it’s becoming less and less now. I can’t control him. I can’t force him to leave her and love me. He had 22 years to do that, but he didn’t. I realized that he would never do it, even for me, so why should I suffer more?
Counseling helped me, and my therapist said that I should love myself more and let him go. She told me to move on with my life. If you ask my mom, her words to me were – “Bloom, my baby girl. Bloom.” I didn’t understand that at first, but now I do.
I read from Deborah L. Davis, Ph.D. that “There are no deadlines.” She wrote, “Trust the process and understand that your adjustment can be as gradual as you need it to be. It’ll happen as you become ready for it.”
I ignored my husband and started with my divorce papers processing. I am to meet my lawyer this week for updates. Crossing my fingers on that, hoping that everything will go my way.
How did I love myself after drowning? I made a Krissy’s Life Plan book. (That’s me, I’m Krissy.) What’s inside that book? Well, it’s an outline of how I will improve myself before, during and after my divorce. Right now, I’m in the “during” phase. My typical entry would be:
1 hour of yoga session per week
Three 10-minute walks around the neighborhood
Two adults’ night out with friends in a month
And so on.
It’s a start. At least, I have something else to do than this:
Stalk his Facebook
Check his email
Look at their pictures
I know that I am making this seem like it’s a light matter. It’s not. Losing the man you love for over two decades is not easy. I cry day, lunch and at night thinking of where my 22 years went with this man. But you know, 22 years is better than 30 years, 40 years or never. At least, in those 22 years, I gave birth to our five kids. I love our kids so much, and they make me so proud as a mom. I couldn’t ask for anything more.
Maybe this is all that God has planned for me. If this is it, then I accept. It will never be easy, but a comfortable life is a no-brainer, right? At least, I know what to do now, and that is to take it one day at a time. Love me. Improve me. And move on. Just walk away from the past that trapped me into blindness.
Here is another entry in my book that I would love to happen when the time is right:
Earn my Masters degree in Guidance and Counseling
Finish a Ph.D. in Guidance and Counseling
Find a real man who will love me